The dishes and how to avoid doing them like a Pro/Boss/JB Chef

• I cooked; THE classic. What did you cook? Who gives a fuck! You cooked so you don’t wash up. 
• I cooked 6 times last week; A nice twist on the original excuse. Careful with this one because it is a bluff. Smart people will respond with things like: What meals did we eat? If your climbing partner/ball and chain is a smart arse you need look no further than this as your response: We ate: Shut the fuck up and do the dishes smart arse! If that again fails you’ll need to start throwing in some ‘diversions’. 
• If you do the dishes, I’ll give you half of my desert; Brilliant if only for the fact that you did NOT state WHEN you would give the washer of the dishes (*the dishee) half of your pudding. Sit back and enjoy a whole pudding and clean dishes you smug bastard. 
• They are MY dishes so without ME you wouldn’t be able to eat; air-go you do them. Careful with this one, especially if it’s the dishees’ car your road tripping in par example. 
• My skin; I tried so hard today and my skin is so tender I simply cannot manipulate a sponge around some soapy water. Bit of a sympathy plea here. Not very strong. 
• The Houdini; this requires some forethought and bypasses the whole partner do them vs you do them argument. Find a large group who are eating nearby and mange at le same temp. After food, usually under the cover of darkness, carefully slip your dirties into the pile of dirties the other group has to do. Let them argue over who does what. Getting back said, now clean, items has proved always difficult and can lead to confrontation. In this case always blame your partner and lean on the ‘cultural differences’ argument as much as the situation will allow eg: In Spain that’s how they do it! Ha, sorry! 
• The David Copperfield; this is a backstop and should only be used if there is a stalemate between: you – your partner – the dishes. Pre dinner and with dinner, consume alcohol. Draw out your evening into the darkest corners of indulgence until decision-making has been impaired. Hide the dirty dishes. Wake up – What dishes? Leave Indian creek and never return.