MOT pass

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes no advisories yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes come on! The only reasonable explanation is that all of last years advisories have, due to driving 10,000 miles, fixed themselves. This morning I also prayed to: God, Allah, Buddah, Vishnu and anyone else who would listen so watch this space for religious comeuppance to strike me down.... 

Rowing Machine Handle Rant

Dear gym user: please spray and wipe down the rowing machine once you are finished using it. 

For fuck sake! is this real? Tip: To avoid infection - don't put the handle of the rowing machine in your fucking mouth. You have more problems to worry about than other peoples germs if this is your 'thing'. I watched someone spray and wipe down the SEAT of a rowing machine. Naked rowing is currently not allowed in the gym. Heaven forbid that fart you did whilst cranking through interval 19 on your 500m/1.00r remains on the seat (in poo particulate matter) only to be transfered to the outside of someone else's gym shorts. Get a grip - on a dirty rowing machine handle.

Dear Winter

Hi Scottish Winter 2013/14 

You might not be aware of this but i actually moved to Scotland recently to enjoy what some people have described to me as: "the best winter climbing in the world". I have, unfortunately come to some quite different conclusions, such as:

• You are un-reliable.
• People keep talking about: That winter! and the snow in 1978. Seems quite some time ago now, maybe you'd like to show your face again soon.
• Being brain dead helps because you can keep walking into crags in freezing rain over and over again only to find them: Not in? Whatever that means. 
• Everything is far away, driving in B3 boots whilst drinking tea from a flask in mitts has become a recent hobby of mine. 
• People think your a pussy if you don't walk around in the rain or reply to a text: "bit too windy for me mate sorry!" even though its forecast 90mph. "Get on with it youth" followed by: "That looks a bit black! Was the turf frozen? are you aware of the delicate flora and fauna your destroying? you bastard!" In harmony with other styles of climbing the armchair appears to be the safest place from which to hurl abuse.

Anyway, i'm open to change, and if this is all a silly misunderstanding then please get back to me soon. An explanation to the above points would be superb.

Regards - The JB Chef.

                                                                 

Hi there JB Chef.

In response to your points: Perhaps snowboarding would be more your thing.

I'll arrive when i'm damn well ready.

Regards - Winter 2013/14

Chin Face

Reduced food Renaissance

The reduced food aisle has always been, like many others, a favorite of mine. However, recently it seems things have become more serious. The joyful laughter of customers saving money has now turned into war cries. Men, women, young and old are all out in a bid to save pennies. Winters coming. Twice weekly as I enter the battle arena and throw G into the absurd carnage that has become ‘the reduced foods section’ I ask myself: what has become of the human race? Fingernails filed razor sharp, knuckle-dusters held concealed within pockets the other reduced foods bargain hunters line up. As the pubescent teenager approaches with the ‘yellow sticker creation machine’ we all jostle for position. That cheesecake will come down 90% in price within the next 30 seconds and who doesn’t love cheesecake? Let alone 90% price reduced cheesecake. A woman with a walking stick approaches the crowd; ‘No disabled parking here LOVE – get to the back’. It’s a trick; little old frail lady unleashes the walking stick across my back. BOOM. Once again it has begun. I turn and catch old lady full in the jaw with a right hook. BOOM. To the ground. G uses this confusion to her advantages and fills our trolley full of the finest reduced foods. G done good.

Meat and two reduced veg

Crump uh pum pumpets. 11p 6 pack

2 courgette = 2p, 2p/2 courgette = a god damn bargain 

The dishes and how to avoid doing them like a Pro/Boss/JB Chef

• I cooked; THE classic. What did you cook? Who gives a fuck! You cooked so you don’t wash up. 
• I cooked 6 times last week; A nice twist on the original excuse. Careful with this one because it is a bluff. Smart people will respond with things like: What meals did we eat? If your climbing partner/ball and chain is a smart arse you need look no further than this as your response: We ate: Shut the fuck up and do the dishes smart arse! If that again fails you’ll need to start throwing in some ‘diversions’. 
• If you do the dishes, I’ll give you half of my desert; Brilliant if only for the fact that you did NOT state WHEN you would give the washer of the dishes (*the dishee) half of your pudding. Sit back and enjoy a whole pudding and clean dishes you smug bastard. 
• They are MY dishes so without ME you wouldn’t be able to eat; air-go you do them. Careful with this one, especially if it’s the dishees’ car your road tripping in par example. 
• My skin; I tried so hard today and my skin is so tender I simply cannot manipulate a sponge around some soapy water. Bit of a sympathy plea here. Not very strong. 
• The Houdini; this requires some forethought and bypasses the whole partner do them vs you do them argument. Find a large group who are eating nearby and mange at le same temp. After food, usually under the cover of darkness, carefully slip your dirties into the pile of dirties the other group has to do. Let them argue over who does what. Getting back said, now clean, items has proved always difficult and can lead to confrontation. In this case always blame your partner and lean on the ‘cultural differences’ argument as much as the situation will allow eg: In Spain that’s how they do it! Ha, sorry! 
• The David Copperfield; this is a backstop and should only be used if there is a stalemate between: you – your partner – the dishes. Pre dinner and with dinner, consume alcohol. Draw out your evening into the darkest corners of indulgence until decision-making has been impaired. Hide the dirty dishes. Wake up – What dishes? Leave Indian creek and never return. 

Erection day

From about this time last year, a crane building a crane - fantastic. Luckily there were professionals on-site that day which meant: Nobody informed me how many times they had built a crane when they were 24 (*When i was your age....). Nobody insisted on informing me as to their crane work experience (*I've been lifting steel for 40 years and.... Said, repeatedly, by a man of 46!). And generally nobody bothered me (*Tea break - didn't you have one of those yesterday?). 

That was a nice day to be at work because, like most of the other people, i did fuck all except stare into the sky and watch big pieces of machinery get lifted around by other big pieces of machinery.